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From our newsletter archive
What to do when she feels pain during intercourse



*** QUESTION ***

Hi Shiva,

My girlfriend and I have a very active sex life. But she always
winces in pain when we start intercourse. After I enter her and
have gone in & out a few times, she is ok and enjoys it. But when I
start, I have to enter her real slow, inch by inch by inch or she
cries in pain. I've tried all lubes, KY, oil based, silicon lubes
but no joy :( I do sufficient foreplay (I think), always 15-20 mins
at least, sometimes I do longer but it doesn't make a diff, she
still hurts when I get inside. I'm wondering is this normal?
How long will we have to wait for her vagina to 'stretch'
permanently so that she doesn't hurt at all. Do all girls go
through this? Am I doing something wrong?

- gd, from Sydney

>>>MY COMMENTS:

Many men think that if a woman hurts during intercourse it's because she is not 'stretched' sufficiently or because his penis is too big. Not true. If a woman's vagina can stretch enough to pass a baby's head (the size of a small watermelon) at child birth, then it can easily stretch to accommodate the biggest penis.

Here are some common reasons why women feel pain during intercourse.

 

1. LACK OF RELAXATION
A man can enter the bedroom and mentally turn off whatever happened that day. But for a woman, even if she is lying naked next to her partner, her mind can still be dealing with a stream of to-do lists.

If there are dishes in the kitchen sink, for example, it may affect her sexual responsiveness in the bedroom. As I tell the men in my seminars, doing the dishes is sometimes better foreplay than a 12-course candle-light dinner. :)

She may also be uneasy about sex because she is a virgin, or because you're a new lover, or because she is unsure of whether you'll still respect her after you've had sex or she may feel self-conscious or bad about her body.

Unless most of the stuff in her head is calmed down, a woman cannot allow her body to get truly aroused. If you try to penetrate before this happens, it can affect her erotic enjoyment. She could experience pain during intercourse; have difficulty experiencing orgasm, or can't at all.

Assure her that you will not penetrate until she is really ready.
Let her know that you find her body beautiful, and that you enjoy giving her pleasure.

 

2. INSUFFICIENT 'WHOLE BODY' LOVE MAKING
Many men expect their women to be ready for intercourse after caressing just her breasts, lips and genitals. Unlike men, women take much longer to feel aroused enough to enjoy intercourse. Slow down. Intercourse can wait. Caress, kiss and lick ALL parts of her body, every square inch of her. Hug and massage her, suck her toes, play with her hair, roll around, kiss her back. Be sexually playful, let her take her own time to relax into the sensations. Assure her that you will not enter her until she invites you in with a verbal or non-verbal signal (like tugging your right ear, for instance).

 

3. THRUSTING YOUR PENIS IN TOO QUICK OR TOO DEEP
Despite being fully aroused and lubricated, it hurts many women when the penis is pushed in forcefully. Instead, enter slowly. Tease her a little before entering. Rub the head of your penis on her vaginal lips. Push your penis in a little and withdraw it again. Make her wonder "when is he going to get inside me??!".
Build up her anticipation until she is virtually demanding that you thrust in all the way.

Positions like doggy-style allow much deeper penetration which could have your penis banging against her cervix or bladder. Such positions are more enjoyable if you ask her to back-up onto your penis, so she is in control of the depth and intensity of the penetration. This will let you know how deep you can go without causing pain.

 

4. LACK OF LUBRICATION :
Many perfectly normal women don't produce much lubrication. Dry-penetration is one of the most common causes of pain
during intercourse for women. Cunnilingus (oral sex) is one way to increase her natural juices, or you could use a
store-bought lubricant like KY-jelly. Apply lubricant on her vulva and on your penis, and after a while, add some more. Use a few drops of water to bring alive dried lubricant, if needed. Sex experts recommend that even if a woman has sufficient
natural lubrication, it always helps to add additional lubricant like KY-jelly during sex. The wetter she is, the better!

 

5. RELATIONSHIP ISSUES
If there is hurt in your relationship, the sex may hurt too. Unlike men who tend to separate their world into different
compartments, a woman treats all aspects of her world as inter-related. If there is unresolved conflict OUTSIDE the bedroom, it will affect her sexual responsiveness INSIDE. Get that conflict resolved. See a counselor or therapist if necessary.

 

6. INFECTIONS
Sexually transmitted infections like Genital warts, Chlamydia and pelvic inflammatory disease may cause pain during intercourse. So also can other vaginal infections like yeast or bacterial infections. If pain persists despite increased 'whole-body' lovemaking and lubrication, she should consult a gynaecologist and ask to be examined for these infections.

 

7. HISTORY OF SEXUAL ABUSE
If she has been abused as a child, she can feel pain during sexual intercourse, even years later. Consulting a counselor or sex therapist can be very helpful in this case.

 

8. VAGINISMUS
Vaginismus is an involuntary tightening of the vaginal muscles causing them to clamp down and close the vagina. In mild cases intercourse is possible but painful for the woman. In extreme cases insertion is impossible. The cause of vaginismus is still not clear. It usually happens when the woman is nervous. Women who feel pain during intercourse or are anxious about sex, unknowingly tighten their vaginal muscles causing vaginismus. But there are women with vaginismus who have no history of pain during intercourse; why it happens with them is still a mystery.

Vaginismus is often relieved when her partner engages in 'whole body' foreplay, and assures her that he will not enter her
until she invites him to. Cunnilingus (oral sex) also goes a long way in helping a woman overcome vaginismus. It also helps if intercourse is performed in the woman-on-top position. This allows her to be in control of the depth and intensity of penetration, thus reducing her anxiety.

If vaginismus persists, there are excellent treatments provided by a combined physician-sex therapist team.

 

>>IN SUMMARY :

In male fantasy, a woman would jump into bed without needing any persuasion and have earth-shattering sex with no complaints. But in reality, sex is complicated for many women. But a man can easily help a woman overcome her sexual baggage.

The thing I recommend to all men : Before you penetrate her, help her experience 2-3 orgasms using manual (fingers) play and oral sex. It fully relaxes her pelvic floor muscles. Women enjoy intercourse more, and have a greater chance of climaxing through intercourse AFTER they experience orgasm through oral sex.

 

To send me a Question, Comment or Topic suggestion, please visit this page www.betterloverseminar.com/mailbag

Until next time.

SHIVA


A step-by-step guide to whole-body lovemaking

WHAT WOMEN REALLY WANT: The 18 'hot' spots on a woman's body and how to arouse each one of them. Plus bonus sections.



 

 




 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
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