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How to make love to a virgin

*** QUESTION ***

Hi Shiva,

I am getting married in 3 months. I have had sex before, but my
bride-to-be is a virgin (I know that for sure). Anything I need to
be careful about? Anything I can do or say to make her comfortable?
Any words of wisdom? :)

- gd, from Bangalore, India


A woman's first experience with vaginal intercourse can be awesome or awful, depending on how you both make love. Whether it's her first time ever, or just her first time with you, the below suggestions could help maximize pleasure for both of you.

If a woman feels anxious about making love, the best way to relax her is to make her laugh. Say something funny, have a silly pillow fight, tickle her until she's laughing uncontrollably... a relaxed woman is sexually more responsive.

All the techniques to arouse a woman become extra important when the woman is sexually inexperienced. Give her more caressing, more kissing, more nibbling than you usually would. Don't forget lots of gentle, clitoral stimulation.

Many women, especially the sexually inexperienced, are
self-conscious about their naked bodies. Find out if she will be
more comfortable with the lights off or with low light. The soft
glow of candle lights can be a sensuous option too.

The normal muscle tension in the face or body just before orgasm can cause peculiar fears in some inexperienced women. She may fear that she appears physically unattractive. Or she may fear losing control of her bladder or bowels, and that it may cause her partner to ridicule her. These fears may delay or prevent her from experiencing orgasm; she may come close to orgasm but then tense up suddenly and lose the feeling. A woman who doesn't completely trust her partner is more vulnerable to such fears.



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If the girl has her hymen intact, it's best broken with one quick thrust of the penis, rather than prolonged pressing against it which she might find painful. Note: lack of a hymen does NOT indicate a lack of virginity. These days, many women break their hymen long before they have sex, either because of tampon insertion or while performing vigorous activities like bicycle riding. And some women are born without a hymen.

Sexually inexperienced women are sometimes anxious about the
thought of a penis penetrating her; she has often heard of the
pain this brings. The most suitable sex position to relieve such
anxiety is one which puts her in control, and lets her decide when
penetration should happen, and also the depth & speed of thrusting.
All woman-on-top positions give her this control. Don't hesitate to
use lubricant liberally; KY jelly is an excellent lubricant, and is
easily available in India (where you live).

Even if you do everything right, she may still be too anxious to
express orgasm. Assure her that a woman often cannot experience
orgasm the first time she has sex. In fact it can take several
times for a woman to feel comfortable enough with sex to express

It is important to have realistic expectations of your wedding
night. After the stress of the wedding ceremonies and celebrations,
it is natural for newlyweds to not feel "sexy". Sometimes it's
a good idea to just kiss, cuddle and rest. Intercourse can wait
until you are both rested and relaxed.

In some non-western cultures, the newlyweds barely know each other when they are married. Their first ever opportunity to interact freely is on the wedding night, in the bedroom! Remember, most women cannot get physically aroused unless she has built some mental rapport with the man. If the man insists on sex before this happens, it can be outright painful for her, both psychologically and physically.

My recommendation for men in non-western cultures :

DON'T have sex on the first night (relax tiger, you've got the rest of your life to do it).

Instead, spend the first couple of days getting to know each other. Talk to her, listen to her, ask her about her fears & concerns, her dreams & hopes. If she's scared to have sex, tease her about it, make fun of her in a loving way. But assure her that you'll not force her to do anything she's not comfortable doing. Tell her what you find sexy about her, the shape of her eyes or the way she speaks, or the way her hair curls over her forehead or whatever else that you have found attractive. If she is up to it, caress, kiss, cuddle. Only then have intercourse.

Friends first, THEN sexual partners.

Here's a quick little checklist that will help you.

  1. Shower together before making love. This will take care of any
    hygiene issues either of you may have.

  2. Don't focus on your penis, or on how long your erection will
    last, or whether she thinks you're a super stud. Focus on just one
    thing : how to give each other PLEASURE.

  3. Stay away from her intimate zones like lips, breasts and
    genitals. Make love to the rest of her body before going to her
    intimate zones.

  4. Before you touch between her legs, explore every bit of the rest
    of her body. Don't even touch between her legs until she wants you to.
    Women don't enjoy being touched there until they are aroused enough.
    Say, "I won't touch you between your legs until you take my hand
    and put it there". Then keep your word. It's a simple gesture but
    the control it gives her helps her get aroused faster.

  5. Give her feedback when you enjoy anything she does. If you
    don't like something she does, don't criticize her in bed, such
    discussions are best had outside the bedroom, when you are in a
    non-sexual environment, over coffee or during a walk.

  6. The first few times you have sex, let her be on top. This will
    put her in control which will relax her and help her get aroused
    more easily. This is what woman-on-top looks like

  7. If you come too soon or you lose your erection don't lose your
    cool and don't blame her. Accept it with a sense of humor, and say,
    "You got me so excited, I just couldn't control myself".

  8. Have realistic expectations. Any new sexual relationship takes
    time and practice to get really good.

Take the Good Lover Test here
When you can honestly answer YES to all the questions there, you can
be sure you're a great lover. :)



Making love to a virgin is a pleasure that comes with responsibilities.

As the first man to make love to her, you can put her on the road to
a fulfilling sex life or you can fill her head with all kinds of sexual fears
and anxieties.

To send me a Question, Comment or Topic suggestion, please visit
this page

Until next time.




Sex With A Virgin

The most important things to keep in mind!

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